Part of my struggles with loosing myself within myself, is simply the fact I have been engrossed and weighted down by my infertility journey.
It is hard when you are the only one left in both of your core parent groups who is not fortunate enough to have their second (and sometimes third!) child. It is hard on the heart, it is hard on the mind, it is hard on the body.
Some days I do not know what is up or down. Or left or right. I feel swirly, lost and afraid. I really don't know where I am going sometimes. It gets hard to see pregnant women - especially pregnant friends. Watching their bellies blossom and grow, while the hole in my heart matches that growth.
It's not that I am not happy for them, I am utterly overjoyed and feel blessed there will be new little ones in my life, even if they are not mine. My friends are blessings and seeing their lives unfold is a special gift. It doesn't make it easy.
I am lucky that my child does not ask for a sibling all the time. I am lucky that I am not pestered with questions of babies or brothers or sisters. I think that would make it harder for me if I was bombarded with questions like that.
So I have been starting to work on my self a little bit. Try and focus on me, rather than trying to create a child. I have been loosing some weight, getting more active and trying to help myself get into a mental headspace that is more beneficial rather than detrimental to my well being. It is hard. It is really hard. But I am working on it.
Soon I will be smudging the house. I want to find some ritual to do with it. Getting rid of the old, welcoming the new. Being true to myself, to my house, to my family. I want to bless the house, cleanse it. Put barriers around blocking negativity. Lots of things to do. I hope I can bring some of it forward.
I'd like to think that will all bring me closer to another child.
Or at least, closer to peace without another.