Changes are ahead.

We have to move.

I can't say I like it, and in fact, I am fluctuating through sadness, anger, fear and rage. There are a couple of glimmers of hope. Though I have to be really really careful not to get my hopes up about any of the houses we will need to visit.

We saw a house last night and while it's not perfect, it's got charm and it's a house. An expensive house compared to what we pay for now, with older fixtures but new paint and newish carpet. There is storage, air con, extra space, greenery. It's close to hubby's work. It's far from my friends. It's set out a nice way though, and it has lots of potential.

But at least 5 other people have looked at it. Most of them families. I don't really think we have much of a chance. I hope we have a chance though. Only because I don't want it to drag out so much. The uncertainty may be likely to drive me bad.

I just don't want to think about it. I don't want to think about packing up this place, or cleaning it, or scrubbing it, or doing anything with it. They are evicting us (due to renovations - so they say - frankly I think they want more money from new tenants). I just don't want to have to deal with any of that. And I'll be left to do a lot of it because I'm the non-working-person in the family, who will have more time at home.

I wish I could start packing straight away though - have no boxes, but hopefully we can get some tomorrow, that would make life a bit easier I think. Because then I could just start being proactive and productive.

It is just going to change all the plans, the ideals, the ideas that we had for the wee Miss in regards to schooling and education, and extra curricula things.

Heart Ache

Part of my struggles with loosing myself within myself, is simply the fact I have been engrossed and weighted down by my infertility journey.

It is hard when you are the only one left in both of your core parent groups who is not fortunate enough to have their second (and sometimes third!) child. It is hard on the heart, it is hard on the mind, it is hard on the body.

Some days I do not know what is up or down. Or left or right. I feel swirly, lost and afraid. I really don't know where I am going sometimes. It gets hard to see pregnant women - especially pregnant friends. Watching their bellies blossom and grow, while the hole in my heart matches that growth.

It's not that I am not happy for them, I am utterly overjoyed and feel blessed there will be new little ones in my life, even if they are not mine. My friends are blessings and seeing their lives unfold is a special gift. It doesn't make it easy.

I am lucky that my child does not ask for a sibling all the time. I am lucky that I am not pestered with questions of babies or brothers or sisters. I think that would make it harder for me if I was bombarded with questions like that.

So I have been starting to work on my self a little bit. Try and focus on me, rather than trying to create a child. I have been loosing some weight, getting more active and trying to help myself get into a mental headspace that is more beneficial rather than detrimental to my well being. It is hard. It is really hard. But I am working on it.

Soon I will be smudging the house. I want to find some ritual to do with it. Getting rid of the old, welcoming the new. Being true to myself, to my house, to my family. I want to bless the house, cleanse it. Put barriers around blocking negativity. Lots of things to do. I hope I can bring some of it forward.

I'd like to think that will all bring me closer to another child.

Or at least, closer to peace without another.